Changes

I’ve been writing a shit ton of shit poetry recently because I’ve been too fried to write anything longer of substance, but I wanted to talk a crack at sharing some thoughts.

I started this blog in spring 2012 right after my umpteenth breakup with a woman I knew I’d never speak to again. It was an evolution from a prior blog FreshKidJiveRight I started during my senior year of undergraduate. Late adolescence and early adulthood were primarily marked by two integrated characteristics: anima possession and professional escapism and both blogs are pretty interesting records of that mentality.

This blog has seen me go from confused Quixote to husband and dad. It has also seen me go from delusional “consultant” to professional manager to (hopefully) finance professional in the coming weeks.

It does indeed live up to its name. My mind is nothing short of a labyrinth.

I’ve studied myself more intensely than I’ve studied any other subject. It’s given me great control over my responses and reactions and provided insight into the nature of humans themselves.

What has struck me as most peculiar, however, is how vehement one can be in one moment only to be plainly embarrassed by that position subsequently. The transience of meaning — the vapidity of human certainty is a driving force of this blog and the primary fuel of my personal quest for understanding.

Why do we do what we do? Why do we need meanings for things? As a former Christian turned atheist, what does The conversion of a theological firebrand mean in the grander scheme of things?

Life is a trip. In ignorance, meaning is bountiful and profound; it envelops you and assures your direction. However, with greater and greater understanding comes increased uncertainty — increased timidity as you see err in almost every conviction. Again, what used to be a point of vehemence eventually dissipates, replaces by a calm ambivalence.

Both FreshKid and BL have been about my battle against ignorance, a recording of my quest for personal intelligence. While I’m still learning everyday, I do know my ruthless indifference has been due to my insistence on truth (why I like making many of my thoughts public). Truth is the ficklest of courtiers evading all direct approach. Truth does not respond to vehemence or even insistence; rather it yields only to the still.

In stillness I found my wife. In stillness I walked away from my career in mental health. In stillness I confronted my shadow. In stillness I shed my younger selves.

Truth embraces the still because when one is silent and aware change is welcomed or at least unimpeded.

Idk. It’s late and I’m rambling. I hope to write freely like this more often.

Happy contemplating,

Bryce.

Shallows

Eventually, I stopped speaking of the depths, and
So that I could keep company in the shallows;
For the deepest words seem to carry such meaning —
Eventually you’ll see them as hollow.

Mortis

Anything is possible,
But not everything is plausible.
Every dream has a cost,
So tell me brother,
What are your musings costing you?

Young persons desire,
The old folks admire;
Reminded of the good days,
When passion sufficiently fueled their fire.

Eventually, however, MAYA constricts,
Through statements, bills, and edicts;
Through amortizations and vaulations
And the balancing of ambition

With erudition in addition to the Wife’s words
That mention with tension that you’ve fallen behind.

And babies’ behind don’t clothe themselves
And front offices don’t close themselves
And front doors don’t hold themselves
And car notes don’t own themselves

And pining don’t keep them pine needles off the drive
And driveways don’t know the time
So by the time you think your dream is nigh
Rival demands don’t hold the rhyme.

30 days past due
30 years done passed you.
Dream on you student,
Cuz in due time the shit won’t be prudent.