Fate and Destiny

Since I can remember, I have been in the midst of countless conversations about the ideas of fate and destiny. Being a Christian, I have had the various “God’s Will”/”God’s Plan” adages hammered into me since I was a kid, so my concepts of fate have been irrevocably tied to the institution of religion. Nowadays, my perspectives have been considerably broadened, so the myopic view that I once possessed has been replaced by what I believe are much more elegant outlooks.

For those of you that read, recall the piece I wrote on the definition of the “present”. I posited that the present is not a definable time but more of a sense of being. That sense of being is defined by what I am currently calling quantum probablity, for lack of a better term. This probability wave is at the precipice of every single one of our existences; it is literally the foremost component of time itself. Along the line of that wave is the “present” and there on lies what we all know as life.

I have taken a step back spiritually and cognitively from the idea of prophecy. I simply do that not because I don’t believe in it, I do quite adamantly, but instead to simplify this model of human existence and fate. There is a Creator, an Infinite Intelligence, which does in fact know every single thing that has, is, and will occur simply because He is a highly advanced quantum computer. We all talk about when the Singularity will occur, that is when artificial intelligence will match human cognition, but to me the more important comparison is when will human intelligence approach even the reaches of the Divine. When we begin to remotely touch the outskirts of Enlightenment, we see that fate, destiny, and “being in control” are all rather moot points.

Taker a look at your life. That which is done in the past is done and cannot be undone, that which is in the future is predominantly unknown, so what can you really do about either? As far as the past is concerned you can only come to grips with the decisions you made and have no regrets. In terms of the future, every human’s constant obsession, you can employ a few tactics. If you are spiritual, you can pray and ask God to give you guidance, for that guidance will be in the form of wisdom which will accelerate you through life. If you do not believe in God, then you will adopt a more, “I’m in control of my own fate” and you will try to amass as much information as you can so that you make educated, profitable decisions when that probablity wave brings you to various forks in the road.

Either way, you are simply amassing information and making choices. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, “I really thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing, but I guess that wasn’t God’s plan for me” or “You know, things felt really good, but I found out ____ wasnt for me”. These are typical statements by those who are at the threshold of a “fate” conversation.

So what is fate really? According to Webster: fate [feyt]: something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot. Something presumably predestined to occur. So fate is that which was bound to happen, regardless of what you tried to do about it. Think about your Narrative, your worldtrack that you have been traveling on. Your life has unfolded and unfortunately in THIS dimension did not unfold any other way. You have lived this life and this is the life that you have lived. Fate becomes a difficult thing to swallow because you understand that the mistakes you’ve madeand the great choices you’ve made, YOU made. No entity sat back in a celestial throne making you do anything, the Bible speaks explicitly about free will. HOWEVER, if God is in fact who He says He is, then He has already known what you were going to do. He is timeless, dimensionless, omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. (Here is where Deists and Theists would have a theological field day). Did He predestine? Did He interfere?

I leave that up to YOU the person who is seeking enlightenment by viewing this blog. But let me throw in this cud for you to chew on: If you are blind to your future, a free moral agent, infinite in potential yet limited by the boundaries of life, subjected to immeasurable stimuli daily, and hurtling through time and space at breakneck speeds, whether you choose to “believe in fate” or “control your own destiny” you will end up being exactly right. Either way you will live the life you needed to live because that was the only existence you could. You will adapt to whatever philosophies and you will flourish if it makes sense to yourself.

As with everything, I believe in a fusion of all prevailing theories. I believe in taking control of your life, while seeking the wisdom of the Lord. Therefore, I don’t believe you can “fuck” something up, because all things will work for the greater good. Everything in your life, should you choose to adopt this principle, will work to the ultimate satisfaction in your condition. You will always be progressing and even the slightest mistake will be rectified by existence itself. Therefore, you will have the victory should you choose to believe in it and all the details which come into play later, the details that we fret over during fate versus destiny, will align they way they were supposed to anyway.

Thats just me though.

bryce

God’s Greatest Creation

God has created some incredible things over the cast 13.5 billion years. Everything around us is a testament to His absolute genius, they are reflections of His mastery. About 3 weeks ago I walked outside to watch one of the most spectacular sunsets I have ever seen. It was as if the sky was bleeding purples and pinks. The hues were so deep and rich that I felt as if I was viewing some celestial artist showing off his prolific talent. I cant even put into words how I felt observing it. I like to take the time to meditate on these moments of profound beauty. It reminds me of the Creator I serve and keeps me grateful to be alive in the first place.

I hold one particular creation in extremely high regard though: Woman.

I have been saying “women are God’s most beautiful creation” for a while now; however, I feel that it is still a great understatement. The reasons for this are practically endless. Beauty. Emotional depth. Being the bearers of life. And so on. I have a lot of female friends and it is because of my admiration of the fairer sex. I enjoy being around them, hearing their insights into life, and ultimately watching them blossom into dynamic women of virtue. This is not to knock my male counterparts, but I feel like the more discourse between genders, the better we each become at understanding one another and facilitating positive change systemically.

When I think about what women represent in terms of existence, I find myself truly inundated by the implications. Look at the quintessential female gift: giving life. Yes as a male I am the proverbial “Olympic Torch”. I carry around the precious seed of life until I find a mate whom I am prepared to embark on the sacred journey. But women are the recipients, the stewards of creation. God bestowed upon them the given to provide nutrients, oxygen, and protection for the progeny of man. He called them to be the fertile ground by which a sapling can spring up. Women are the delicate, enchanted soil in which all mankind begins the process of actualization.

I do tend to be quite dominant, I have always carried myself that way and I intend fully on being the leader in my relationship. However, a leader is not a tyrant; he is not an absolute monarch who presides over a nation of helpless people. That is a despot and a coward in my eyes. Instead, I see the male-female duality as something much more pure, much more egalitarian. The man leads out of love and he makes decisions out of common good. The balance they create is nothing short of harmony, two levers balancing one another.

Back to my rhapsodizing of women…

I came across a young woman last night that positively made my stomach drop. Radiantly gorgeous, green-gray eyes, and a smile that sent shocks to my primal self. She was wrapped in the very fabric of femininity. As I spent the rest of the night sifting through my reactions to her, I realized why I love women with such an curious admiration. You are the completion of man. See, in the Garden of Eden, God said that it was not right for man to be alone. So He pulled out of man the rib closest to his heart and fashioned woman out of it. Whether you believe the verity of the story or not, you can see the inferences it makes on the dynamic between the sexes. We are fashioned to be side by side companions, with the pieces of us completing an existential circuit at our most intimate physiological locations

That to me is radically inspiring. To then add further excitement is to think about the fact that there is a single person in the world who will be the completion of that circuit. Per the grace of God, she will be the person that prays with you, prays for you, comforts you, listens to you, loves you despite of your flaws, and envelopes you in a cocoon of passion. That she will will be the incarnate manifestation of the illustrious ezer kenegdo, she will be your life saver. Growing with you and constantly pushing you to be a better man than you even though possible. Sticking by your side through the lowest valleys and smiling with you through the highest mountains.

Women are God’s greatest gift to man, so why would I not hold them in high regard? When I look at them it is like sitting in the Lord’s workshop and seeing the mastery of his handiwork. The aforementioned emotional depth, the constant roiling undercurrent which adds swatches of color the backsplash of human evolution. The drama that accompanies the female mind, the passion which burns when the heart is set, it draws me in so completely. Spiritual grasps which are a few phase shifts from my own but reap considerably intriguing conclusions. Instincts which hail back to the days of our species inception…

The of course there is the feminine form. The sensuous figure that is swathed in elements that even my inquisitive mind can barely fathom.

All in all, I praise women because they are truly beautiful, inside and out. Without them my purpose on this earth is limited and with them my fulfillment on this earth is made a little more ensconcing. I hope every woman that I know, every woman that reads this post, understands the immense appreciation I have for you and I pray that each and every one of you continues to radiate the light that God himself placed inside. I pray that each one of you avoids being objectified and that the man you find yourself involved with will see you through the eyes of his spirit and not through those of his flesh. That he will praise you, protect you, and honor you like a man of integrity should.

That os truly my prayer for every woman on earth, young or old, and I will continue to uplift you all in prayer and in the physical.

bryce

Life is Life

This post will eventually be expanded into a book of the same name along with pieces of previous posts. This particular subject is one that dominates my psyche, even more so than love, simply because it encompasses everything we go through as a species AND as individuals. The reason I have such an affinity towards this subject matter is a testament to the kind of person the Almighty made me to be. Since I was a kid, I have always been a “bottom line” person. As much as I tend to over-explain, I would rather people get to their point. I have expected similar concision from life.

However, life is defined by a series of parameters that for now we can think of as perspectives. Although my quest for knowledge ends in the Holy Grail I like to call “Universal Truth”, those are rare and discovered within the halls of enlightenment, chasms that my limited conscious has yet to explore. Therefore, I glean much information from 2 primary sources: my understanding of the Divine and others around me. Provided that I am a follower of Christ, I spend time in the Bible clearly making my perspectives are Judeo-Christian in origin. However, given that not all people are adherents to Christianity and that knowledge has been dispersed around the world, I also spend copious amounts of time searching all cultural views for anything which can help me to understand life at large.

But what is life? A question that has been asked since the beginning of time. I merely see it as a collective of consciousness each trying to attain total Awareness. That awareness can be achieved many ways and really is predicated on the consciousness of that person. Therefore life is an amorphous mass of thoughts, feelings, knowledge, experiences, intuition, and instinct. It is all things and paradoxically no things all at once. It is not a linear function in which one can plug in values and get corresponding answers that line up exactly. Instead one must think of it as an infinitely large, ever expanding scatter plot in which values are listed. This litany can then be interpreted via a function in calculus known as a linear regression. Essentially a linear regression line tries to plot the straightest line possible through a series of seemingly random values. It is merely reading the “trend” and attempting to illustrate it.

Continuing this analogy, if life is the scatter plot, then our perspectives are the linear regression functions. Each of us based on what we experience, think, and feel will then begin plotting a “line” which we believe defines life. Thus everything becomes unified under our highly subjective logic. Take a child who comes from a two parent home and has never really seen his parents fight. He will have a significantly different plotted line than another child who comes from a single parent home and saw nothing but intimate failures. The first child will seek out intimacy and swear his life by it, while the second will more than likely avoid intimacy and prefer emotional independence.

Will all of these preliminaries in order, I grew up asking one simple question: Who is right? That’s all I’ve ever been concerned with. My passion is being right and being efficient; therefore, I couldn’t care less about trying to see all the warring perspectives as I was intent on finding the correct one. But that is just the thing about life. It is a chimera. A chimera is a mythical monster not unlike the griffin or sphinx which are all beasts composed of parts of different animals. Head of a lion, body of a goat, tail of a snake, breathes fire and so on. Life is a monster amalgam of all perspectives, just like a chimera is a monstrous amalgam of various creatures.

In my primary foundation philosophy on human nature, The Lemniscate Theory, I posit that humans are infinite beings with infinite potential, existing within the parameters of life. I use the analogy of numbers to explain how this is possible. Between 1 and 2 there are infinite values. 1.1, 1.01, 1.001 and so on. The parameters around human life are humanity and Divinity. Thus looking at life as a Divine construct warrants us the opportunity to see that anything is possible. All perspectives, opinions, ideologies, and theories are temporarily plausible, until they are ruled obsolete by the individual thinker. When an entire civilization rules a thing obsolete, then it will probably be an inert idea, until it regains popularity.

I digress.

My point in all of this is simple. Life is not hard. Life is not easy. Life is not fun. Life is not tedious. Life is not grand. Life is not ignoble. Life is life. It merely is. It is an echo of what YHWH (God) says to Moses when Moses asks who God is. Life simply is.

How does this translate into your everyday life? Recall my discussion on human nature vs human condition. Human nature which is constant is life. Your condition which varies is perspective. Thus as you go through your day, take the time to realize how insignificant how you think or feel about something truly is. Then from there begin to contemplate how another from a different condition or perspective may feel. Then ask yourself this: “how would the world feel if we all thought this way”. This thought exercise, if done correctly will teach one how to think more objectively. Don’t get me wrong, we will all reach different conclusions about things. The child from a two parent home may still crave intimacy while the child from the single parent home may avoid it, but what they will learn to do is understand the impetuses behind the others’ actions.

Long gone will be the days of abject, arbitrary judging because I don’t think what you think is “right”. Right and wrong are just as subjective as your favorite color. But what we can do as a people is come together under the auspices of God (regardless of who you think him to be) and humanity. Furthermore, more people will hopefully begin to embrace the truth that most things we think are marred by subjectivity. In life Objectivity is the only truth and objectivity is only found by examining and considering as much information as possible. Therefore, one cannot believe their opinion is the end all if they are 23 years old without much immersion into the vast world. Your opinion will be limited every time you open your mouth. We must spend more time learning and even more time learning from the vantage point of others. That is true empathy. That will give insights into “life”.

Spend less time reacting based on what you think people should be doing and only enter into that speculative realm after you understand the driving forces behind their actions. The mind is a highly reactive place, so we must understand how to limit the negativity of those reactions.

Last, for those sci-fi geeks like me, remember in the matrix when the child says to Neo: “there is no spoon. Think of yourself as bending”, the same logic applies here. There is no such thing as the notion of life. Think of yourself as a vessel in which life exists, then look at others as alternative emanations of it, and you will find yourself on hallowed contemplative ground.

When you can move your biases about life to the side, you will remove so much stress, so much unnecessary baggage, so much ignorance from your condition that it will begin to mimic the component in you placed by God, the spirit. When you allow your spirit to guide you, life bends to allow for tolerance, compassion, love, and peace. All things which exist outside of time and space and can be passed down through the ages.

bryce

Reorganize to Revitalize

As we go about this crazy thing called life, we will pass through a bevy of phases. Some of those phases are marked by times of prosperity or emotional buoyancy while others are marked by turmoil or constant transition. For eons humans have been creating literary pieces to describe the mini epochs we as individuals go through, each trying to understand the difficult and extraordinarily complex changes that accompany them.

A little over a year ago, myself and my best friend started a business together. Our company, VB ICON, was literally our testament to the things that minds on one accord can achieve. Even in its infantile stages, VB ICON took us to places that we could only dream of: Sitting with executives buying dinners and drinks with American Express Black Cards. Sitting in Beverly Hills office’s going over image propositions with our higher end clientele. Sitting in board rooms with Presidents and Vice Presidents, coaching them on how to succeed within their organizations. VB ICON was truly a marvel. How could two young black men find themselves attaining such success? I remember back in February I was asked to be a keynote speaker at an event my alma mater was hosting. In preparation, I sat in my room quietly contemplating the implications of the honor bestowed on me. Although it was a relatively small event held by one of the African American groups on campus, I still stood before no less than 65 of my peers, explaining concepts that I held dearly to my heart.

This phase of my life was marked by maturation and growth, which also meant it was marred by discomfort and seemingly unending frustration.

Over the last few months, I found myself stifled by that frustration. All of the successes we had put together as zealous entrepreneurs suddenly stopped reaping fruit. So there we sat with a mountain of bills, obligations, and demands surrounded by absolutely stagnation. We had spent 12 months creating commercial movement and with the snap of life’s finger we were marooned in an ocean of adulthood. My girlfriend that I had grown particularly fond of and I had separated. I went on to lose many things that I had attained over the year. Desperation and sorrow do not begin to explain how I felt when I found myself alone in my room with nothing more than my thoughts to keep me company. I went to the Lord daily, begging Him to give me some sort of a sign, some billboard that could point me in the right direction. More projects failed, more heartaches, more deadbeat business associates. My friend and I had reached our wits end.

We hit “rock bottom” and spent several weeks just trying to recoup what we had lost. Create a new game plane. Rethink the paradigms we had adopted. We had to reorganize.

This is the crux of what I want to touch on tonight. As someone who has sat with ten thousand dollars in his hand to someone who couldn’t scratch 10 cents together for food, it was difficult for me to understand just what in the hell had happened. I was so accustomed to the black and white world of “hard work pays off”, “those with dreams achieve them”, and “ambition is rewarded” that it was a strain for me to understand why after all this hard work and accumulation of tangible & intangible assets we had fallen flat on our face. But it hit me. Life is not linear. It is a series of dots across a plane. There are infinite ways in which one can draw a line through those dats, none being right nor wrong. Sometimes you just have to be willing to stop your line drawing and regroup. Rethink your subscriptions. Rethink your self righteousness.

It is in those critical moments of trajectory shift, that you will find immense gratification both physically and immaterially. You must be willing to succeed and fail and keep pushing with a fervor. Because the goal my friends is not money. Monetary success merely affords one access to things in this life. Don’t get me wrong, I have many financial goals, many which will be met in the upcoming month. However, my true goal, my crowing achievement in life is fulfillment .

You take steps towards fulfillment when you regroup. You take steps towards it when you keep fighting the good fight to bring satisfaction to yourself and your loved ones. You create an environment salubrious to fulfillment when you find your true love and begin expressing affection to him or her. You discover satisfaction when you pray to the Almighty for your true identity. You begin to discover what makes you tick. You begin creating personal philosophies by expounding upon what you may have learned during phases of prosperity or phases of hardship. You become activated by God the minute you decide to continue living life to the fullest extent of your being.

As i sit here awaiting what should be a series of good months I look at all I’ve achieved. I put myself through college, started a business, spoken publicly a few times, mentored kids, recording in a band, won various awards, played college ball, dated various beautiful women, fell in love, became an uncle 3 times, the list goes on. I have nothing more to do than up the ante and see what the next phases of my life will be.

I hope each and every one of my reader’s understand the purpose of living. As I’ve preached this entire post it is to be fulfilled. Become fulfilled by becoming enlightened. Let go of bitterness, resentment, and fear. Go take some risks. Follow a dream. Reconnect with an estranged family member. God has given us the ability to choose happiness.

Therefore, you have the ability to choose fulfillment no matter what each phase of your condition brings you through

bryce

The Sojourn

Fell in love with sweet taboo,
But who was I to try and recreate destiny,
Recapitulate what was destined to be,
But summarize it because I finally saw her differently,
I am a different me,
She mightve been the same old she,
My heart had seemingly given to a quixotic spree,
Exotic fe-,
Neurotic I,
Her thoughts dancing playfully through my mind,
But I’m just a ship lost at sea,
Trying to find his was back to the coast,
I’m just a leaf at the top of the tree,
Wondering why I’m falling at the most,
Inopportune time,
For the most improper tuned chime,
Feels like I’m committing a pauper’s crime,
Trying to steal back a heart that was never mine.
But nevermind,
One can’t try and be a master of time,
The illusory construct erected my Man’s mind,
To give some organization to Mankind,
Regardless I still can’t believe I’m here trying,
To work through emotions without crying,
I found life in serene places and yet I’m dying,
Lying in a casket of my own thoughts with them all vying,
For her attention,
Her dimension,
To make a cosmic collision with romantic tension,
Vectored towards my planar extension,
Not to mention,
Her beautiful browns,
Looking me up and down,
And finding pleasure in my organic state.
My heart says believe in me,
My soul says receiving me,
Is something like relieving me,
Of the bereavement I feel when you’re leaving me,
I wish we were achieving the,
Universal record for cleaving we,
Into a unified organism like a weaving three,
Components together to make the heaving we,
Feel in our chests sequester under the pressure,
Of true love.
Those components of course being soul, body, and spirit,
I’m an adherent to the Principles of passion,
But alas, although I’ve fashioned,
A future with us having lasted,
& I see that the present supports not my aim.
So I remain,
A lover with a journey to sojourn,
A student of Love with much to learn.

bryce

Would You Give Up Everything?

I’m going to try and broach a sensitive topic without offending anyone. If I succeed great, if I don’t then oh well. I know this is a bit unnecessary given that its my blog, but I do feel the need to reiterate that these are my personal feelings.

Let’s talk about being in love. I’ve been traveling down this particular quixotic trajectory for the last week or so and I feel like this topic is one that must be addressed, especially if you ever find yourself in any kind of discourse with me about relationships. The society of 2012 enjoys some unprecedented benefits, but also suffers from a few debilitating neuroses. Among those disorders is what I term smartly stupid. Smartly stupid are those who have a lot of information but know absolutely nothing. Another malady is the devaluing of virtually every concept ever introduced to this human population. Love and “being in love” is certainly among the highest over abused.

I say “I love ____” in jest a lot. That is something I really must stop doing because it does in fact reflect my life long struggle with understanding what love actually is. When I look around at my friends and such, I see similar infractions being committed daily.

However, the most pernicious expression of misuse of love as a concept is listening to people claim to be in love. Again I have been a malefactor in this realm. However, I discovered my errors a while ago and began working to be better. But enough about me, let us get into the true entree for tonight, the discussion about what it means to be “in love”.

There are many different expressions of any emotional experience; love is no different. However, there are certain poignant indicators that I feel are necessary in order to diagnose someone as being in a state of “in love”. For me, loving someone is attached to feelings and feelings are dynamic. They waver, one day they are up, another they are down. Feelings are, even for the most grounded person, the epitome of inconsistency. Therefore, even though feelings are in fact very important in understanding being in love, they lack a critical characteristic. Thus something more pervasive, more enthralling is needed.

It was at this point where I in my very young age lacked the vision to see that there was something else needed. At 18-21 as far as I was concerned, me feeling deeply about someone was being in love. However, if a large enough force hit, then those feelings can dissipate and even invert into abject hatred. that dissipation or inversion usually leads to breakups or more selfishly, infidelity. These are all indications of expressions that are in fact not “in love”.

Here’s what I think being in love is: loving someone more than you love yourself. Seems simple enough right? Perhaps. This does NOT mean putting someone and their feelings ahead of yours. It does NOT mean sacrificing what you want for what they want. It does NOT mean going harder for someone than they’d go for you. Those are all things that are easily done for someone you merely care about. Loving someone more than you love yourself is completely giving someone the extent of your condition. It means that if they left you today, as much as it would pain you, you would be legitimately happy to see them with someone else. It is being completely vulnerable, because your fear of rejection is substantially less than your request to know your confidant. It is trusting wholeheartedly, not expecting anything in return. It is requesting a sense of intimacy that is so pure, that it transcends any senses that human beings offer.

I could go on and on about the phenotypical (things you can see) aspects of being in love. But what I’m trying to instill is that it is not a feeling. Feelings lie. They change. They betray. They are often times supported by incorrect pedagogies, that is they were acquired by life lessons which yielded incorrect results. Feelings will justify why a man can hit a woman, why he can cheat on her, why he can impregnate another woman and still feel innocent. However, the intangible, inarguable knowing that I’m talking about is not experienced by the feelings. It is experienced by the spirit.

Think of the happiest place you’ve been on this planet. The mountains. The beach. Disneyland. Now think of why you like being there. It makes you feel good right? However, I want you to examine those “feelings”. If you’re anything like me, they go beyond the scope of my body. When I’m at my sanctuary, the beach, I literally feel like I can communicate with God. It is an intensely spiritual experience which supersedes any “feeling” I can conjure.

Being in love is tantamount to that. You are expressing worship to the Lord by interacting with that person. You are literally blessing God by loving the person He has blessed you with. Being in love is so damn complete that it actually centers you. Whereas, infatuation or puppy love, tends to work one into a sensual frenzy, being in love is like standing in a still pool. It is grounded, intimate serenity.

Although there are exceptions to any posited rules, another extremely important prerequisite to being in love is having a keen sense of personal identity. You must know who you are or have a correct idea before you can start giving yourself to someone else. Anything done before one’s clear identity revelation is false and will either fall apart or go through a metamorphosis so that the true identity can ring clear. You must be confident with who you are, even if you are a not confident person. If you are confidence in your meekness, then you will probably find a counterpart who complements and helps expand you. If you pretend to be a wolf and you’re really a sheep, then your identity crisis will come across as inconsistencies in character. Heartbreaks and drama will ensue.

For 2 years now I’ve been saying that I’ve never been in love. I can no longer say that. The irony is while I was with her I was not in love with her, but now after a couple years I in fact love her so intensely her image reverberates through my very being. We are not together, with no high chances of ever changing that, but I know so deeply that I’m in love with her that I’m okay with us probably never being together again. I want her to be so happy, with or without me, that I’d attend her wedding without a bit of resentment. The irony is she’s the last person you’d expect me to feel that way towards. But that’s life, you do not choose who you love. There are many women I wish I could feel this way towards but I don’t. I can’t. However, when I am around her I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be around. I know many of her flaws, hell I’ve been a victim of them, and yet when I gaze upon her in person or in memory I see only perfection. She is comparable to no one in my mind and although I wish things were different, I know that all things work out for the good.

Therefore, if we’re meant to be, we will, if we’re not, we won’t. However, that does not dictate how I feel towards her. Don’t get me wrong. It bothers me everyday that we aren’t together. It pains me to see her with anyone else. However, her happiness is more important than my own. I would put my life on the line right now for her. I love her more than I love me, and I love myself a whole fucking lot lol. So I can truly say that I’m in love, even if its under circumstances that I don’t like.

Here’s another thing about being in love. Its like a volcano, it never goes away. If her & I never date again this connection will never go away. I don’t believe in falling out of love. It may become inactive, but it never goes away. I will carry the burden of her heart for as long as I live. This kind of inactivity is not necessarily sexual, if I do fall in love again, that woman doesn’t have to worry about me wanting my ex. It will transform into something else, something that only once being in love could produce.

Reggae artist Tarrus Riley has a song called Superman which I fervently recommend and the lyrics echo my sentiments:

“[Verse 1:]
I’m a superman thanks to Lois Lane
Kissed away my problems when I went insane
Took me from the depths when I lost my name (oooh)
Give me something I could live for
Now everyone is wondering what’s the change
They don’t recognize I have so much to say
And I never thought someone could love someone
So much that they give up on everything
Jah knoooow…

[Chorus:]
I will be there when you need me
I will be there when you cry baby
I will be there when you need someone to tell you
That you’re beautiful baby

I will be there when you need someone to run with
I will be there when you need someone to dance with
I’m your lover till the sky turn gray girl
Cause you’re beautiful baby”

Pay special attention to this line “and I never thought someone could love some so much that they give up on everything”. How many of us love a person that much? That they’d give up on everything. Walk away from your dream job. Move to a different state. Dress different. Act different. Cut off friends. (Now if a person was truly in love with you they wouldn’t require you changing who you are, but you get my point).

So with that stated, I personally feel like very few of us, especially in 2012 have experienced what I’ve explained tonight in totality. They have an idea, an inkling of what it is, but they have only cared deeply and incorrectly labeled their care as in love. I’d do anything for many of my homegirls, but I am not in love with them.

Just some thoughts as we traverse life’s waters. You will know the love you have by the spirit placed inside of you. If it becomes irrevocably tied to someone then you just may be in love.

bryce

All Good Things

This weekend I was blessed to observe a milestone that afforded me luxury of in depth introspection. Yesterday I stood on deck as one of my best friends married a young woman that he has been dating since the week after our graduation from high school. Over the last 6 years, myself and the rest of the wedding party, have bore witness to a sight that few get to witness: the organic budding of true love.

I was given the unique blessing of being Joe’s best man, therefore, I was present for virtually every second of infantile, matrimonial bliss. I watched two young people absolutely in love exchange hand written vows before God and 100 other souls. It was amazing. However, my favorite part was the very end. As best man, I got to drive the groom and bride away as everyone well wished and waved at the newlyweds. Away from the frenzy of the wedding, I got a few moments alone to speak with both of them. Although they were still charged up with all the anxiety and general nervous energy, there was a palpable sense of completion.

Perfection.

From this point, I could go a variety of ways with this post. I could give a sermon about the sanctity of marriage or about how I literally got choked up when I saw the bride walk in. However, what I want to address is Happiness.

I’m not going to pose the quintessential philosophical question, ‘what is happiness?’ because quite frankly that depends on the individual. It is solely predicated on your particular Condition (see my discussion of human conditions in prior posts). After I had dropped off Camille and Joe and made my way back to the wedding venue, I got a few moments to ruminate over just how awesome life is. As the gentle San Pedro sun was giving way to an artificially lit summer sky, the same completion I saw between the Bride and Groom had spilled over into my particular condition. I walked back hands in my pockets simply feeling happy.

This happiness was experienced in the midst of one of the hardest years I have ever faced. Many disappointments, setbacks, and missteps. Even more stagnation and seemingly endless waiting. Frustration after frustration. As far as matters of the heart, here I am serving as best man in one of my best friend’s wedding and I can’t even hold on to a relationship for longer than a few months. I had $11 dollars in my entrepreneurial pockets. I smelled bad and my suit was sticking to me because of all the nonsensical labor they had the wedding party doing. My feet hurt and I desperately wanted a drink.

Yet despite all of that, happiness wafted over me like a crested wave. I was satisfied with who I was. I was honored to watch my brother in arms wed his gorgeous bride. I was elated to spend time with my fellow groomsmen and the bridesmaids after the ceremonies concluded.

I was truly fulfilled.

I am a firm believer in true love. A firm believer in commitment. Being an observer to such a bond righted the world, even if only just a little bit. I watched as one chapter in my best friend’s life concluded and another began unraveling. I was a part of it, an instrumental part. Furthermore, this week I made amends with my ex girlfriend whose actions incited me to begin blogging almost two years ago. These last 7 days have given way to the finality and completion of journeys I have been involved with for years.

It only seemed fitting for me to reflect.

Let me get to my ultimate point about all of this though. True love, friendship, forgiveness, and fulfillment all go hand in hand introspectively. However, many of us via “life” have adopted some very peculiar paradigms as we’ve tried to navigate the perilous waters of existence. A few of these paradigms involve time and how all of these concepts (true love, friendship etc) come together. My admonition to my readers: do not expect time to synchronize with these concepts. “She wasn’t ready for true love” or “I’ll be fulfilled when I make __ amount of money” etc. Understand that these extrasensory phenomena are accessible right now. You can find fulfillment at the lowest points in your life. You don’t need a million dollars to be ready for committed love. (Disclaimer: men be in a position to take care of your lovers. If you cannot currently, make sure your ambition is legitimate). But the point remains, these spiritually experienced marvels occur outside of the tangible universe, therefore you cannot try to deny or approve them using tangible principles.

One must understand that God the Father has introduced many factors into the observable universe and even more into the unseen. Time is not amongst them. If you want to be happy, if you want to fall in love, if you want to experience anything, do not wait for the “right moment. There is no “right moment”. Life is happening constantly, irrespective of your chronological proclivities. Live life for the day, find every conceivable moment to love hard and be happy that you are alive to love.

A part of life is messing up and going through the immense discomfort that is trial and error. But in order to enjoy life, one must live. Living is not waiting until payday. Living is not making excuses. It is about embracing your condition and making every moment count.

You are a fearfully and wonderfully made creature full of destined greatness should you choose to occupy it. However, there is never a time or place in which your happiness can be synthesized. Life simply is. You can choose to be honored and take time to reflect or you can choose to be unhappy and complain about your struggles. Either way, your friends, family members, enemies, countrymen, and all other humans are trying to do the same thing…

Find happiness.

But, Happiness is not to be found. It is already around you. It is to be occupied, lived within, and exhibited. Sometimes you need a wedding or prominent event to remind you, but all good things are attainable right now. Its just up to you to accept it.

bryce

Interlude: What Is Existence?

I think what consumes me the most about being alive is the complexity of the human condition. How virtually anything can be argued & virtually nothing truly exists. I have talked briefly before about dualism vs monism, the ontological debate about where the metaphysical mind & physical brain meet. This paradox gives rise to a series of philosophical questions, but what it always does for me is provide an internal platform in which I can dive into the pithy core of my self.

Philosophers have been asking for eons: “what is the self?”. I’ve found myself more inclined to ask “what does it mean to be alive?” See, we all sit around posturing & positing what we belief to be undeniably real or true, but the actuality is, our idea of real and true is irrevocably tied to our perspectives. Our perspectives are dictated by our experiences. Our experiences are predicated on other peoples’ decisions and so on.

So in my down time, I will find myself asking how much of my life is undeniably true and how much is merely happenstance? More importantly, how does this all interdigitate to create the living, breathing milieu that is humanity? The conscious is a gorgeous entity, only rivaled in grandeur, to me at least, by the spiritual component of man. The conscious is a self sustaining, ever growing computer. The questions that it hold the keys to the very fabric of being, yet must actually work through the infinite questions in order to find the answers.

Furthermore, existence is riddled with such idiosyncrasies as “emotions”, “instincts”, “premonitions” etc. It is truly rife with straight up contradictions. In Calculus there is a function known as a linear regression. Essentially if you have a bunch of points on a Cartesian plane ( standard x-axis, y-axis graph), a regression line will plot a straight line which best fits the dots. What we all attempt to do via our conscious & our current understanding of this behemoth known as living is fit a line which “defines” the scatter of dots. However, we may each generate a different line, a different function, based on what we experience. Therefore, one man may say “hard work pays off” and the other says “work smarter not harder”. One man says “democracy is freedom” and another says “democracy is standardized Imperialism”.

Who’s right and who’s wrong? Another anomaly constructed by the conscious. There is no right, no wrong. Just data in which each individual must sift through & decide for him or herself what they “believe”.

This leads down a whole path that my mind can barely wrap itself around these days. How people can adamantly believe things & completely disregard the potential of alternative perspectives. How stubbornness can literally be personified by a creature that should be more concerned about evolving.

Life.

bryce

The Forest

The traveler looked over his shoulder,
Then forward again,
Certain that he’d never see this forest again,
Determined that he’d never feel this mist again,
Cool upon his face, he balled his fists again.
His sojourn ceased,
He took inventory of his surroundings,
Same trees, same grass,
Same creatures sounding,
The same songs, the same wrongs,
That had plagued his journey the last time,
Yet he felt the same longs,
That had drew him forth the last time.
Yet last time,
He swore it was the last time,
Cursed the acres the forest stood on,
And bellowed it was past time,
For him to leave out of this wood so accursed,
Before he burst,
Sending sinews of several months,
Hurtling into the abyss…
Yet here he was,
A near Couplet later.
Standing on the precipice of this enchanted wood,
Wondering if it would once again be his to savor.

bryce

Addictions: The Drug Called Titles

I want to take some time to clarify a few things from my previous post “Eulogy: Death of Boyfriend & Girlfriend”, as its popularity spawned many questions regarding the mechanics of my new found dating process. I do understand that it is an unorthodox, albeit common, process that requires a certain frustration with conventional dating methods. To say that I’m frustrated by this current courtship arena would be a grave understatement.

Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Why are we so heavily reliant on these rather useless monikers? What exactly are you gaining at age 19 or 23 by slapping these nomenclatures on your blossoming interpersonal connection? The illusion of stability. A facade of protection. An imagined safety. That is all you are creating… An environment in which you diminish the sexual & sensual “noise” that accompanies us in life. It defines “boundaries” in which a person who steps outside of them is committing infidelity. It fashions a safety net and so on.

But does any of this actually portend an intimate connection? Does any of this actually legitimize two people’s feelings for one another? Perhaps, but it is not always the case. What it does is prime two people to probe each other’s heart within seemingly unilateral planes. By me admitting to someone that I’m their boyfriend, I am supposed to cut off all other potentially romantic liaisons & begin devoting my masculine love to my girlfriend’s feminine counterpart. Under the aegis of our titular bond, we are subjected to rules & regulations which are reasonable & unanimously accepted.

However, as we all know, that is rarely how relationships work. Especially in this era in which thousands of different dating methods are utilized. Infidelity is as commonplace as Starbucks and indiscretion is as ubiquitous as McDonald’s. I am of the opinion that this is because we literally get high on the illusions that titles give us. From those inebriated states we then begin miscontruing infatuation with intimacy & incorrectly diagnosing lust as love. We are like incandescent candles burning twice as hot, thus drastically reducing our burn time. (A candle that burns twice as hot, burns half as long). We enter into these juvenile bonds swearing that we will find love in a hopeless place.. Only to break bonds, break hearts, or break bones.

Why is this the fact? Because in a high tech world with an infinitesimal amount of substance, information is plenty, but understanding is little. We are each trying to find our own identity, while being bombarded from every conceivable direction with “stuff”. Our physical atmosphere may exert 12 psi, but our emotional & spiritual atmospheres are orders of magnitude higher. So we do what we see, we enter into relationships with broken, incorrect, or simply unknown identities. We are enigmas to ourselves, yet swear up and down we are ready to love someone. If you don’t know yourself, how can you possibly fathom what it is you even want? If you do not have even the tiniest grip on your existential makeup, how in the hell do you suppose that man or woman can make you better?

So we gamble. We trial and error. We “go for it” in the hopes of finding true love in a dating world full of fake imitations. One person gets their heart broken, another feels liberated by the schism. One person feels abandoned, while the other has a sudden epiphany about why they should leave. Everyone is justified in their relational actions, no matter how fucked up or noble they might have been.

So what do I propose as my solution to this ignoble game? I simply refuse to get high on the illusion. I refuse to partake in the Lotus Blossoms that so many of us have became ravenously dependent on. Instead of courting a young woman for a few months then deciding she’s someone I want to pursue, I make it known what my endgame is and we spend time discovering one another & ourselves simultaneously. If there is in fact an intrinsic bond between the two of us, then irrespective of our “title”, the parameters of a relationship begin building themselves. We won’t need to talk about exclusivity, loyalty, fidelity, trustworthiness, or time under the deluded auspices of a conventional relationship. We will seek out each others’ time organically, naturally falling into step as our two beings become one.

As this fusion is taking place, I as a man will take heed to the signals and begin making spiritual, emotional, and physical provisions to usher this woman into my existence as a true companion, as my ezer kenegdo, my life saver.

Therefore I am not saying that I’m jumping straight from casual dating to an engagement. I am simply saying that I must feel and ultimately know that I am interminably bonded to someone and she to me, before I even consider hoisting the banner of “boyfriend” upon my humble head. Everything else to me is noise. Noise bellowed from immature men who can’t keep their dick in their pants and immature women who change their minds as the wind blows them.

I am forcing those who choose to interact with me on that romantic plane to make a decision to truly investigate the world of intimacy. Gone are the days of “I’m your boyfriend, you’re my girlfriend, k let’s try and make this work.” No more. Now you must be prepared to go on a legitimate journey of self, an excursion of spirit, and traverse the paths of emotion to see if we are truly meant to be.

I am a man of faith. I believe wholeheartedly that God has a woman, a particular woman, whom He is preparing for me. Conversely, I am being prepared for she. Regardless of what I do, I will meet her. Furthermore, the Bible or any other Holy literature for that matter, does not talk about girlfriends or boyfriends. It talks about anointed connections under God. Take some time to really think about that one.

Lastly, this approach I’m utilizing requires massive self control. Its easy to think of this as a rules free, you can sex as many people as you want as long as you’re honest kind of deal. That is one way, I guess, but not mine. I’m not a big sexual person, I’m more sensual. Therefore, I have no intentions of using this as a master key to sexual exploration. Nor am I using it as a way to don a noncommittal attitude towards women.

This is a method that requires real trust. It requires that the woman truly be steward of her word. That when she utters the words “I love you”, that they cannot be uttered in vain. It requires accountability on levels far and beyond your standard relationship. You can’t just “walk away” from the bond I’m looking for because you no longer feel a certain way. The feelings you feel cannot just dissipate. (I don’t believe in falling out of love. If you “fell out” you were never truly in. If a person cheated, they were never truly in. If they put their hands on you, they were never truly in. You can make the choice to walk away from the person you’re “in love” with, but the feeling will never go away.) The kind of dating I’m looking for is nothing short of transcendent. It transcends the boundaries of every conceivable notion human interaction. Its akin to love at first sight, but much more substantive. An undeniable magnetic, tangible and intangible connection. Not “oh I like her” or “oh he’s cute & seems like a nice guy”. It is a deep current experience that pulls on every sinew of your frame. It reverberates through every feasible dimension & is blessed from here unto High Heaven. It is a sense of balance, a cosmic balance. Not the outer cosmos, but two inner universes amalgamating to form a single harmonic inner cosmos.

It is a dialogue between myself and women to see who has the right answers. She who has an understanding will understand me. She who understands me will bring life. She who brings life will produce love. She who produces love that I can reciprocate will create intimacy. She who creates intimacy will be with me until we pass from this earth. THAT woman, THAT herald of balance, will be the only woman worthy of me calling mine. Therefore she will be girlfriend, fiance, wife, lover, babe, queen, and my one and only all at once.

With that stated, let me clarify one thing.. I am NOT saying that I’m going from 0 to marriage. I am NOT skipping the pivotal phase in which two people exclusively get to know each other. I am NOT foregoing the period of time in which you see if you truly work together. What I AM saying is that I am waiting until I know I can’t live without that person to even begin calling her any particular title. Most people go: “talking” –> dating –> boyfriend/girlfriend –> engagement –> marriage. What I am doing is “dating” –> when I feel an undeniable connection, girlfriend/boyfriend, –> engagement –> marriage. I am merely forcing “boyfriend/girlfriend” to actually mean something. there must be actual substance to our titles and that substance must come with a real life commitment.

No longer will passion be an illusion, but a tangible reality. And no I don’t need a socially accepted “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship to get to that point. Just two open hearts, a lot of communication, some time, & God’s direction and its a wrap.

bryce